On Your Head Be It

Worrying news has come from Northern Ireland about a proposed law for compulsory helmet wearing for cyclists under 16. This is being drawn up by SDLP MP for Foyle, Pat Ramsey, who in turn is being pushed by lobbyists Headway. An article in the Belfast Telegraph seems to agree with the idea, with nary a single suggestion that anyone might disagree. Some do: the Cyclist Touring Club. Cycle safety expert John Franklin. The magazine Cycling Weekly.

Behind the proposal, there is a very clear strategy at play: Take a devolved regional government, like Jersey or now Northern Ireland. Take an MP looking for a crusade. Take an emotive cause. Take an activity that is fairly widespread but generally perceived to be dangerous. Push through your legislation and then move on to another part of the country. On the face of it, there doesn’t seem to be a problem. Who wouldn’t want to stop children getting head injuries? It is, if you’ll excuse the pun, a no-brainer.

Or it is at least until you start bringing a little common sense into the matter. Common sense is, after all, the enemy of political crusades and, against the highly emotive imagery of broken children, we can counter with hard evidence. Or rather the lack of it.

The story that ‘the helmet saved my life’ is largely a myth. It is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy: If the helmet is worn then it saved a life, if a helmet is not worn then that is the reason for a fatality. Statistics don’t really back up the argument either, as, while the wearing or not wearing of a helmet is recorded at an accident scene, there is little other detail. If a rider is squashed by a truck turning left at a junction, whether or not the rider was wearing a helmet is largely irrelevant but will still count in the statistics.

Meanwhile, in countries like Holland, where everybody cycles, where you will likely see whole families piled onto a bicycle, every one of them bareheaded, the population thrives. The Dutch population has not been decimated by fatal head injuries, in fact accident rates per km ridden are far lower than in the UK.

None of this is to say that helmets don’t work. They do to an extent, when worn correctly. They work fine in preventing cuts and bruising and, as such, we are not going to suggest that anyone shouldn’t wear them, it’s just that why is it purely cycling as an activity that is picked on? Imagine for a moment Junior riding to the park with Mum and Dad, sitting on their bike, head three feet from the ground and riding at a steady 5-10mph. Then, on getting to the park, the helmet comes off, Junior rises to his full four feet and proceeds to charge up and down, play on the swings, get into a fight with is brother etc etc. Imagine Junior riding home from school, taking off his helmet and then thundering up stairs to get on the Wii. Why, out of all these activities, is cycling singled out as the dangerous one? If Pat Ramsey and Headway are so concerned about saving children from head injuries then why not insist on wearing a helmet when charging up stair cases? The number of injuries sustained doing the latter dwarf those of cycle accidents.

The obvious answer is that it is unworkable but, if so, then how is cycle helmet compulsion workable? Do the PSNI not already have enough to do without issuing £50 fines to previously law abiding parents? Maybe these same law abiding parents will just not bother with a bike and drive their kids to school which will, in turn, increase the number of cars on the road and therefore number of road accidents and will also contribute to the already sedentary life style of the average child. In the broad sense, is it actually healthier for a kid to go to school sat in Mum’s Volvo eating a packet of crisps than to ride there bare headed?

 This misses the point, though. To some of a particularly narrow mind, fewer children cycling equals fewer children injured while cycling, although there is evidence to suggest that the opposite is actually true. And to insist on the wearing of a helmet is the ultimate in shifting the blame from the perpetrator of the crime to its victim. ‘Remember it’s dangerous out there.’ The law effectively says. ‘You’re on your own, now. Bye bye’.

 Perhaps the children of Northern Ireland deserve a little better than that.

Korn Announced As ‘Official Band of Team Sky’

 

In what they claim to be another first, Team Sky have announced a partnership with ‘nu-metal’ band Korn in order to “build their brand dynamic”.

At the launch in London, frontman Jonathan Davies claimed a long term interest in cycle sport, calling it “fair dope-ass shizzle” and adding that the band had grown out of low-rider BMXs years ago and regularly took to group rides around their native Baker CA to clear their heads in breaks in the recording of their latest album. He claimed they had been looking to endorse a cycling team for some while now, and Sky had been suggested by their common sponsorship by the adidas clothing company.

When asked what, exactly, an ‘official band’ actually did, David Brailsford explained : “Its about brand awareness, broadening the demographic and reaching forward to new markets. We see a synergy between musicians and cyclists, both uncompromising in their pursuit of their ultimate goal. That and reaching out to a new, younger, non cycling-specific audience.”

Quite where the Korn ‘demographic’ of paunchy 30-somethings with tribal tattoos fits with that of cycling was not explained, nor that Korn last spoke for ‘the kids’ back when Pantani was winning the tour. And not all were happy with the announcement, with Bradley Wiggins firing off a pithy tweet, saying simply: ‘Greebo twats’. Insiders hint at a childhood trauma of getting beaten up in the toilets by Limp Bizkit fans at the school disco, as well as the pursuiter smarting that his own pick, Ocean Colour Scene, was rejected.

Another first for the British team, other squads seem to be jumping on the bandwagon, with Saur Sojason rumoured to be in talks with Daft Punk while Astana have signed central asian throat-singing act Yat-Kah.

Korn hit fame with their eponymous debut album in 1994 and went on to become one of the biggest rock acts of the 90s. The band is still together, with the exception of guitarist Head, who discovered God and had a picture of Jesus tattooed on his hand to stop him wanking.

2010 Team Guide – Astana

Astana

One of the greatest sources of amusement over the past few seasons has been watching the English speaking press perform ideological back flips with each new season. Back when this team was created from the ashes of Liberty Seguros as a vehicle for boo-hiss bad guy Alex Vinokourov it was seen as like the second coming of Pol Pot. Exit Vino, enter Mr whiter than white Johan Bruneyl and suddenly what the hell did the UCI think they were doing not letting that nice Mr Leipheimer race? Now, Brunyl is out and Vino is back and everyone’s getting back to hating them again.

 Vino’s return caused dismay in some quarters, but, hey, those are the rules. But given that he already looks like the baddie assassin guy from a James Bond film this will probably work fine for him and at least the Kazakhstan sponsors are actually going to have a few Kazakhs on their team instead of a Yank and a Spaniard. Well, the Spainiard stays. And is probably going to continue winning everything in sight.

2010 Teams Guide – Quickstep

Quick Step

First in with the new-for-2010 ‘retro’ kit, Quick Step showed up in the now obligatory sober band across the chest and black shorts. Harking back to days of yore (when bike teams had fewer sponsors, surely a coincidence) the revival in the pro-peleton of shorts that don’t show piss stains must surely be commended.

 Top signings are kept to a minimum. Or none at all, if you don’t consider Iljo Keisse a top signing. Perhaps, post Brad Wiggins, trackies have risen in value? Otherwise the team is still firmly built around everybody’s favourite party boy Tom Boonen, with Stijn Devolder as back up in case Tomekke isn’t quite Belgian enough. Sylvain Chavanel is there for the doomed early breakaways and both top rider and team know that if they bang in a few classics wins in the spring then they can pretty much cock about for the rest of the season. A record equalling fourth Paris-Roubaix for Boonen would seal this and chances are high, not least because the last guy to do this was also quite partial to the old Colombian marching powder.

Laurent Brochard’s Bad Hair Days

We’re all for multiculturalism here at left hand crank. Except for Monsieur Brochard, obviously, but even the most weak-tea-liberal of  yoghurt knitting apeasniks would admit that the cross pollination of cultures, ideas and species isn’t always a good thing. Take african killer bees, take the H1N1 virus, take Heinrich Haussler’s hair.

Now Heinrich Haussler’s hair is almost exactly what you’d expect if you were to take an impressionable young Australian and send him to Germany. The classic Australia mullet, inspired by the country’s rich fauna (the galah, the kookaburra, the spiny ant-eater), is spliced with the hair style of choice for post-war Germany, adds highlights and is transformed into a truly Teutonic marvel of construction. All kneel before the Nietzschean uber-mullet, marvel at its glory. Add a diamond earing. That always shows a touch of class.

 

 

 

‘We Will Crap, Crap and Crap Again’ Vows Local Resident’s Group In Last Ditch Attempt To Scupper Sports Facility

“My Father let his dogs shit on this piece of land and his father before him.” Insists lemon sucking local resident Linda Badcocke, after hearing of the failure of her bid to stop the building of a local sports facility. As the spokesperson for local residents group Families Against  Erosion of  Council-owned Environmental Sites, or FAECES, she insisted that, in her eyes, the battle was not yet over.

Although tight-lipped about which particular residents she spoke for, the self-proclaimed community leader talked of an army of residents marching upon the 250m cycle track and ‘letting their dogs defecate at will’ upon it.

A spokesmen for the local council, part funding and in charge of the day-to-day upkeep of the track, remained unbowed in the face of this threat.

‘To be fair, cleaning dog crap is all we’ve been doing at that place for years.’

Japanese Team Deny Rumours Of Testosterone Abuse

Floyd Landis Five Years On…

Out the back of the Seven Eleven, Burkitsville, Maryland July 2015. Shop worker Brad has a bag of rubbish that he his taking to the bin. He folds back the lid and hears a rustling sound.

Brad: Damn raccoons.

He draws back to hurl the sack of rubbish in but stops.

Brad: Floyd? Floyd is that you?

The rustling stops.

Brad: Floyd?

Floyd Landis: Go away. Its a racoon. Go away.

Brad: Floyd. C’mon out of there, I can see you.

Floyd Landis emerges from under the black sacks, sporting an alarming ginger beard and holding an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Brad(sighs): Dammit, Floyd. How many times is it this week?

Floyd Landis: …

Brad: Seriously, dude, if this carries on I’m gonna have to call the cops.

He makes a grab for the whiskey bottle. They tussle.

Floyd Landis: Hey, HEY god damnit! Who put you up to this? Was it L’Equipe? Was it the UCI? How much did they pay you?

Brad: Forget it Floyd. Look, we been pretty good to you but seriously, this is gonna have to stop, all right? If I find you here again then I’m calling the cops, all right?

Floyd Landis: Yeah? Well we’ll see. I’m gonna show you guys. I’m gonna show ALL you guys.

Brad: Whatever Floyd.

Exit Floyd Landis, still holding whiskey bottle.

Brad(under breath): Dumbass.

He slings rubbish sack into the dumpster. Shakes head.

Brad: And I thought he couldn’t get any worse.

–

 

Bets On For Rider Most Likely To Be Humiliated By Sidi In 2010

With the 2010 season fast approaching, a question looms large over the world of cycling – which pro will Sidi be humiliating in their advert this year?

Last year the 5 second clip, running either side of the add breaks in Eurosports cycling coverage broke all records, with Samuel Sanchez, Alberto Contador and Nicholas Vogondy playing ‘spin the bottle’ with one of the sponsor’s products. Sanchez wins and, presumably, the camera tastefully cuts away before Sanchez is forced to give Contador some tongue.

With this years season coming fast, Sidi remain tight lipped about who will be featuring in the 2010 ad and what they will be expected to do.

“Obviously, there is quite a fight to be picked for this advert.” Explains Luigi from Sidi’s publicity department. “We have agents at all the major races, scouting for talent – I mean looking for riders with the right look. Being mediterranean helps, as does weighing below 60 kilos. No 80kg Belgians with a face like its had nails hammered into it thank you, that doesn’t fit our demographic at all.”

Life, it seems, has got hard since old regular Paulo Bettini retired. Veteran of a series of, increasingly warped, Sidi adverts the veteran classics rider used to enjoy his annual chance to appear wacky and good for a laugh.

“Yes, Paulo was great.” Confirms Luigi. “Always full of ideas and going the extra mile. That bit where he’s getting pushed out of shot by the Sidi logo? We got that expression on his face by having Antonio the gaffer boot him up the arse. But Paulo was good for a laugh like that.
And cheap too – he did it all for that pair of gold shoes after he won the Olympic road race. If ya know what I mean.” Here Luigi tapped the side of his nose. “Actually he called us up a few weeks back, asking if we could use him for this year but no, it has to be a current rider, which was a shame as he sounded quite desperate.”

The new for 2010 Sidi advert should be unveiled come the Paris-Nice in a months time. Left Hand Crank, for one, is glued to the tv screen in anticipation.

Inside The Agritubel Bus

In the fast paced, glamorous world of international professional cycling, statements made at the sign on can often mean as much as statements made on the road. The team bus is the best way for a team and it’s sponsors to say ‘I am here’ and, for just that reason sometimes literally thousands of euros can be spent.

So it was with some excitement that Agritubel, one of the leading teams in Western France allowed us into their state of the art team bus for a tour.  

“Being sponsored by an agricultural company has its advantages.” Explained Romain Feillu, one of the team’s big hitters as well as one of the best riders in France’s brother. “We picked this one up at a farm auction for a song. We had to scrub out the interior with cillit bang to clear the smell of pig shit but it was worth the effort. Actually its really funny, Agritubel make pens for farm animals and, when they looked at our bus at the last meet and greet session they were joking that, with a full team of 9 riders plus mechanic and soigneur it actually contravenes EU regulations for animal transport!”

Although undoubtably ‘cosy’ (“You should try it in the back there in a French summer.” Laughs Romain) the bus is vital in the task of transporting riders and team kit from the end of the stage to the hotel and, the next morning, to the race start. It also serves as a useful gathering place for team meetings.

 “This is us during the Tour of Britain.” Explains Romain. “We’re all laughing because Denis, our directeur sportive, is pointing out how far it is from where we are now to where we were gonna be sleeping that night. Which was a constant source of amusement to us over the whole week.”

With such luxuries as seats, curtains and overhead lockers, the team bus can be the perfect place to relax on the long cross country jaunts that are part of many stage races. ‘Comfort stops’ are necessary, given the amount of liquid that professional riders get through during a stage and, in this capacity, the Agritubel bus provides excellent cover from prying eyes – even to the extent that riders from other teams will ‘borrow’ the facilities:

“When all nine of us pile out of the bus en masse and let rip,” Says Romain. “I think we’d give the pigs a run for their money. Seriously, nine of us going against the side of that bus day in, day out. Border crossings are a nightmare cos the sniffer dogs are always going mental.”

But its all part and parcel of the life of a top cyclist, as Romain describes. “Well you say that but Brice, my brother, says that since he joined Radioshack their bus had an en suite. First training camp they were on he went straight in there and curled off a steamy one and then, just as he’d got out, Armstrong stomped on and started sounding off! Apparently, it was his own personal toilet and – and you know what the yanks are like with these things and old Brice, he tends to pebbledash the bowl cos he’s got this gluten intolerance thing. Lance hasn’t found out who stank the place out but they say he’s buying a whole new bus because of it.”

Maybe his loss will be Agritubel’s gain, as the best Brice Feillu can manage can’t be worse than what went before.